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You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life. - Winston Churchill 
I like to sit round a campfire telling ghost stories until I realise I'm on acid, the dwarves aren't listening & my kitchen table is on fire.
Not to brag or anything, but my bank balance is over $100k (the k is silent).
I want my casket to have a crank on it that plays the jack-in-box music.
No, Alicia Keys loves her piano, so her baby will be named Piano Keys ;)
i was winning egg hunts before I was even born
You wanna know where I'm ticklish? Hawaii.
At the end of my dinner the waiter asks "wanna box" so I got up and knocked him out. I bet he won't ask that question again.
My pot never calls the kettle 'black' because I don't buy talking marijuana
Irony - Getting your girlfriend pregnant on a pull out couch!
i received 10 tex messages for sex this morning which is usually cool but I had my wife's phone.
Dyslexia killed my dog. Vegetarians don't know the first thing about animal surgery.
What you call sex ed, I call Saturday night...
People are puzzled with all the dead birds in Arkansas...Really? It's Arkansas folks...just surprised they lasted as long as they did before they figured they could end their stay there by hurling themselves to the ground...
thinks scare-crows should get Nobel prizes because they are out standing in their field
thinks everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Coke dealers. Always sticking their business in other people's noses.
I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says "1 inch = 1 inch". I hardly ever unroll it.
saving money and not getting the iPad .Instead I bought a magnifying glass for my iPhone..
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me, ‘What's on the TV?' I said, ‘Dust.' 