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I'd rather bathe with a cat than have a joint FB account... 
Women who claim their favorite TV show is Keeping Up With The Kardashians, are just confessing they'll give blow jobs for a shopping spree.
Kim Kardashian is back in the studio, working on an album? She's turning her sex tape into a musical?
Johnny bravo has taught me a great deal about how to deal with rejection.
Lime flies when you're having rum.
My wife just nominated me for the "would it kill you to refill the ice trays every once in a while" challenge?
that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Neither, it's my new iPhone.
Ok. Who the frig showed my grandma how to start "group texts" ?!?
I'm just looking for a reason not to drink
Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.
If Timehop is good for one thing, it's to remind me that I peaked a few years ago...
If the girl at this fast food drive-thru really wanted to help me she’d tell me why my dad left.
Squirrel 1: Got directions to across the road?.. Squirrel 2: go left, straight, left, right, right again,back, then just friggin run.... Squirrel 1: nice
i'm ugly and my mother dresses me funny...
The fastest way to lose friends... Simple... Just loan them money! Sad but true!!
You know you haven't gotten enough sleep when you wake up and your mouth still smells like toothpaste.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now.
Screw this weather! I'm moving to Petticoat Junction where the sun is always shining and beautiful women skinny dip in the local water tower. I'll be staying the The Shady Rest.
I'm wondering why the phrase, "It's none of my business" must always be followed by, "but?" 