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Why is it when opportunity knocks on your door, it knocks only once. But temptation... That b*tch leans on the damn door bell! 
I hate when people say 'I'm a vegetarian except for fish.' Right, and I'm a virgin except for all that sex I had.
The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang. It just says I can't get within 50ft of you. You wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
I refuse to believe that everybody was kung fu fighting. I'm sorry, but there had to be at least a couple people sitting that one out.
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don't trust it. Everyone knows it's impossible to drive without eating the fries.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she's going to get me something.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
Most wives don't want to hear their husband's opinion. They want to hear their own opinion- in their husband's voice.
if a person starts a sentence with, "Not to sound like an a**hole..." Guess what they're gonna sound like....?
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
One of the great mysteries to me is the fact that us women can pour hot wax on our legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.
You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
First, there was planking, then owling and milking, now there's Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be thinking, that would be great.
My life coach just told me to fake an injury
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first cup of coffee for the day.
If you always have to be right, then that's the first thing wrong with you.
Spring makes every day feel like you're stuck in the office on a Friday afternoon.
I hope tonight's the night when we'll finally see a presidential candidate make the jerk-off motion while the other candidate is speaking.
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge 