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girl next to me at work is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup... NICE! 
Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. BUT How many of them will own up to where the f*ck they were last night????
tired of all the emails I keep getting on how to enlarge my p*nis, especially since I am a woman, so I have forward them to my exhusband
I'm not offended by what you say. I'm just glad that you're stringing words into sentences now.
If you hate sarcasm then stop asking stupid ass questions.
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they're being annoying little bastrds.
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
I'm a high risk for stroke because I live alone, and I have no pants on.
Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can't "break" water...get back to work.
The woman who invented the phrase "All guys are the same" was a chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd in China.
In case any ladies are interested, I just finished cleaning the dishes.
My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.
This is a pretty shítty flash mob. It's in my living room, only my family showed up, and they're just telling me to stop drinking.
My opinions are like farts, so hard to hold 'em in. When one slips, everyone's gonna know it and at least one person is gonna leave the room.
Sitting on the toilet this morning, I was reminded of my first divorce. At first I thought it had been a clean break, but then it got messy and there was lots of paperwork.
We're all like corn.... Just passing through
Snooki named her baby Lorenzo because she couldn't spell Heineken
Started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can't hear me through binoculars.
Car alarms would be a lot more effective if they sounded like two people fighting. Everyone would turn their had for that
if you've been married less than a year, stop with all the love and marriage quotes. S hit will eventually hit the fan... 