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gonna by my kid a pack of batteries with a note that says toy not included. 
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Thinks my OCD is getting worse. Did I hit post? Wait a minute , did I even type it yet? I'm pretty sure I hit post but am not sure. Yeah, I did. Well, maybe I didn't. I better double-check. Yeah, I did. No, I didn't. Dang!!! What was I going to post again
Let love come to you, be patient. In fairy tales they don't find each other until the last page :)
The most tedious part of being an Afghani phone sex operator is describing what I'm wearing.
Dear 5 Hour Energy, What in the HELL is your idea of this flavor you call "berry?" Dingle?!
I'm thinking comic-con might be the place to look for Bin Laden this week. Easy to find 72 virgins there...
Twice already today I have warned my co-workers that I was on the verge of going "JetBlue flight attendant." It's the new "going postal."
Can you really make the yuletide gay, or does it have to be born that way?
If someone is asking for advice, don't tell them to "just be yourself". They wouldnt ask you if that was working.
Caffeine is the foundation of my food pyramid.
I hate when the whole Internet mourns someone’s death & I have to Google them to find out if they were a politician, an athlete or a Muppet.
If sex is said to be the best exercise than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there's idea. . .
Listen,,, "8 glasses a day" is a scare tactic used by Big Water to keep us dependent
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
Tried meditating once but ended up taking a really great nap.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my girlfriend’s mom who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day..
I like to sleep naked, so if there's any kind of emergency I immediately make it sexy...
Kenny Rogers said "You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run"... I'm pretty sure he was talking about women, not cards. 