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I don't got much to do today, I suppose I should do something productive. I'll probably go on ahead and pre-cook this 13lbs of bacon in my fridge. You know... In case of emergency 
If being drunk before 3pm on a Friday is wrong, I never want to be right.
Coffee is just something I use to convince myself I will have a productive morning
Instagram … because our attention spans can't even handle 140 characters anymore.
Intelligence always beats good looks. But just to be safe I've got both covered.
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn't a very good one.
As an unemotional person, I never thought pieces of papers would make me cry until I started to pay my bills
on the tv show "cheers" they claim its the place "where everybody knows your name"...i don't think they sold many beers at the bar if they could recall names
If there was a zombie apocalypse, I would get eaten about halfway thru updating my facebook status about it.
Happy Veterans Day! Sending out my gratitude to all those, past and present, who have the courage and drive to do something about the world's problems…. So basically, all those completely unlike me.
When in doubt, put some booze in it.
Hope for the best. Plan for the worst. Snack in between.
I cant wait to watch Kristen Stewart's new movie. I hear she has a new facial expression in that one.
Time to delete my Instagram account now... Also,, what's Instagram?"
Anything with Friday in it can't be all bad. Now Monday the 13th, that's another story.
When it comes to a recipe for a disaster, some people thrive on being the main ingredient.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Authorities should not allow the "selfie" song on the radio. It leaves you no choice but to drive off the road into a tree!
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
"As seen on tv": Get two pieces of crap that don't work for the price of one. 