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Holy crap guys!!!! Only one more week until Tiffany from Facebook is in Mexico drinking with her besties!!! 
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
Calm down cashier clerk, it's just a 5 dollar bill. No need to hold it up against the light and run your marker through it. I spend my counterfits on my drug dealer...
My birthday is coming up and I'm mostly just anxious about all the people on facebook who are about to pretend to like me.
Life is just better when you're laughing.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
Nothing says thankful and greatful like puching your fellow man in the mouth for $30 off a cheap TV made in China. Now get out there and fight for your kids presents, cause whats a great Christmas without a war story for the kids..
You mean as much to me as error reports do to Microsoft.
Sign said "WET PAINT" So I emptied my water bottle on it. I'm currently waiting on further instructions.
You had me at, "we'll make it look like an accident."
I am in the best shape of my life! Thanks poverty.
Could you please put your crying baby on vibrate...?
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
I still think I'm in my 20s sometimes...until I try to do something like I'm in my 20s.
I was sober for 11 straight years. Then I turned 12.
If you tell me you're going to bed and I see you sign into Facebook 10 minutes later... I totally understand.
at this point in our culture I'm very surprised there aren't people with nut allergies boycotting the peanuts movie
Failed my Politics exam. The question was "Describe the role that India plays in the modern world." Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.
☆:*´¨`*twinkle twinkle little star...point me to the nearest bar ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶*´¨`*:.☆
Dear slut, Has your right leg ever met your left leg?
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