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Ok it has been 9 hours now...I wonder how many people already messed their New Years resolution up??? 
I stopped trusting you when you offered me a decaf coffee.
Hey husbands, only 2 more days to get your wife a gift for Valentine's Day so she can be less angry at you for about 3 hours.
When I was growing up, families actually did stuff together. Things are so much better now.
This shutdown seems to be bringing out the inner-retard in everyone.
"What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!" -anyone dating Taylor Swift
If you can't say anything nice, at least be vague with a touch of sarcasm, so you can share it with your friends behind their back later
Sure, I'll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
Belated congrtulations to Earth for being 63-0 in Miss Universe competitions
90% of what goes on in a cat's head is "I wonder how I can get them to look at my butthole?"
Tell me more about your pillow forts, is there a bar inside?
If you could be any kind of salad you want, what kind of bacon cheeseburger would you be?
So far I'm 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
It's like my kids don't even believe how cool I was in the 90s.
Ommpa Loompa Doopity Do. Fake tanning lotion ain't working for you.
The older I get the more I realise there are no grown ups and nobody knows what the f*ck they're doing.
I feel a spree coming on. It's either shopping or killing, I haven't decided yet.
Most great musicians die young, unfortunately we're going to be stuck with Kanye West for a while
The French have announced they've sent a peace keeping force to Ukraine. They've managed to secure the city of Chernobyl without any resistance.
I want to be the guy in the studio audience of "Wheel of Fortune" who stands up and shouts, "D! SHE WANTS THE D!" then calmly walks out. 