Funny Status Messages

   This shutdown seems to be bringing out the inner-retard in everyone.

   "What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!" -anyone dating Taylor Swift

   If you can't say anything nice, at least be vague with a touch of sarcasm, so you can share it with your friends behind their back later

   Sure, I'll go to your open bar and watch you get married.

   Belated congrtulations to Earth for being 63-0 in Miss Universe competitions

   90% of what goes on in a cat's head is "I wonder how I can get them to look at my butthole?"

   Tell me more about your pillow forts, is there a bar inside?

   If you could be any kind of salad you want, what kind of bacon cheeseburger would you be?

   So far I'm 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.

   It's like my kids don't even believe how cool I was in the 90s.

   Ommpa Loompa Doopity Do. Fake tanning lotion ain't working for you.

   The older I get the more I realise there are no grown ups and nobody knows what the f*ck they're doing.

   I feel a spree coming on. It's either shopping or killing, I haven't decided yet.

   Most great musicians die young, unfortunately we're going to be stuck with Kanye West for a while

   The French have announced they've sent a peace keeping force to Ukraine. They've managed to secure the city of Chernobyl without any resistance.

   I want to be the guy in the studio audience of "Wheel of Fortune" who stands up and shouts, "D! SHE WANTS THE D!" then calmly walks out.

   Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account

   It's almost that time of year again when I get to pretend I'm Dexter and all the pumpkins are evil.

   If you're easy to get, then you're easy to forget.

   Everyone at this Walgreens is acting like I'm the only person to ever scream out their safe word while getting a flu shot.