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Dear Santa, I didn't want to make it too hard for you this year, so, the only thing on my list this year is 1 year paid leave from work. with bonus 
I hate that I push myself to do so many squats and lunges only to be forced into walking like a penguin the next day.
Laughter is the best medicine... except for treating diarrhea...
I wish I had a twin so I could have every other day off of work.
Hand sanitizer is the best way to find invisible cuts on your hands.
2013: The year the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section to comedy.
Candyland tastes like cardboard.
if you are down & need a friend, call me...if you need to borrow money, the number you have dialed is no longer in service
Lonely and unloved? There's a cat for that.
Never tell a woman to calm down when she's drunk, it's like baptizing a cat. It's not gonna work
I hope they gave this year's Nobel Prize to the dude who invented Yoga Pants.
Did you ever notice all the people in casino commercials are young, attractive and not in need of oxygen?
R.I.P. Andy Griffith..........There's a new sheriff in town!
I was seeing a therapist for trust issues, but I had to quit going when I found out he was seeing other patients.
Dont lose the girl of your life, for the hoe of the night.
"Oh, I already have that one." Is a good thing to say when someone shows you a picture of their kid
i just spelled a word so incorrectly that spell check just enrolled me back into school
My greatest fear on Monday is greeting someone and asking someone how their weekend went and they actually telling me every mundane details about it.
just finishing up my taxes and am now a little worried about my tax software. It just recommended I slip across the border into Mexico.
Why isn't cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels?? 