Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A romantic getaway but, just me and your best friend.

   My friends say the craziest things like "hello police" and "he's in our house again."

   Over a thousand people die in Africa because of Ebola they get 10minute news coverage , one Australian is suspected to have Ebola gets hours of news coverage

   A teardrop tattoo means they're a giant cry baby, so don't forget to tease them relentlessly about it.

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet

   The number of people that confuse 'to' and 'too' is two darn high.

   When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”

   Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”

   So apparently sex burns off the same number of calories as running 5 miles. Who the hell can run 5 miles in 30 seconds?

   Everything I have learned about women has come from a pamphlet in a tampon box.

   When I got the decorations out of the attic yesterday REAL spiders started coming out of the containers.... Well played Halloween, well played.

   I like to think of bathwater as ”Me tea.”

   You all take typos way too serious, you gays.

   I got to hand it to short people... sometimes they just can't reach it.

   [Status omitted by the US Secretary of Defense]

   I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked wonderful tonight or if it was just the 27th outfit she'd tried on and he didn't want to be late to the party.

   Buy 3 items and get a 9 foot long receipt. That’s the CVS promise.

   Doritos has a new flavor named Street Taco. Which used to be my rap name.

   I only use 10% of my brain,,, because the other 90% is busy regretting saying "You too!" to the waiter after he said "Enjoy your meal."

   To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon