Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Everytime you tweet something with a typo in it, someone gots a degree from the University of Phoenix

   Love can be such a beautiful torture...

   Gay and ugly, its not a good combination. And you want to compete with women for men?

   Life sucks, But sometimes you get to have sex, And sometimes you get to drink beer.

   Show me on your selfie where he hurt you.

   I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.

   I am taken best with a shot of whiskey.

   No I feel fine. I just don't feel like coming in today.

   Wishing all Mother’s, secretaries, nurses, teachers and any other gender/profession dominated by women a special day and/or week!

   It's like my nana always used to say: If you really hate him that much, just marry him and then get fat.

   *removes underwear *pees *gets back on scale

   A Rape Whistle.....But for unwanted conversation.

   Of all days, who deletes someone on Mother's Day....just for that, I'm never talking to my mom again.

   Let us all heed Vanilla Ice's advice on a day like this......"Word to your mother"

   This police sketch artist has no idea that he's about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.

   I just bought a medical alert bracelet. It says "Probably just sh*tfaced"

   Boobs are nature's antidepressants.

   20 years ago nobody knew what gluten was, now there are only 3 people left in the world that can still eat a bagel.

   I wanna thank my mom for being there for me when I needed money for drugs & beer.. you're the best!!

   I beat 2048 today. Just goes to show that a little procrastination can still get you where you need to be.