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When I win the lottery, the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in. I've always wanted one of those. 
They can probably ditch the "Insane" part, as it's pretty much implied in the concept of a posse made entirely of clowns.
I was way off. Turns out the movie Aliens vs. Predator isn't about an illegal immigrant fighting a child molester.
Why don’t blind people like to skydive? It scares the hell out of the dog. How do they know when they are getting close to the ground? The leash goes slack.
When I die, I want to be buried with some random animal bone just to confuse future archaeologists.
Name brands really are better... For instance, I just found out that a "Tide pen" will work much better on a stain, then a regular pen.
*whispers to the Internet*............. "Look what you did."
BTW: Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
WAIT BEYONCE MY LEFT OR YOUR LEFT
Girls who act stupid because they think it's cute need to be slapped in the face with a d*ck.
If you love someone, make them guess how you feel about them until they get tired and move on to someone else.
My coke dealer has a habit of putting his business in my nose.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
The black iPhone is better at stealing WiFi.
All I want is someone who knows where all my stuff is when I am missing it.
I planned on being productive today, then the voice in my head laughed and laughed and we took a nap.
This Lady in a Hummer at the next pump was b*tching about gas prices on a gold iPhone holding a Starbucks. Long story short I need bail money.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
FYI: You find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW
I hate being petty and wishing misfortune on others, but some days it's just necessary... 