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No one is as ugly as their drivers license pic or as hot as their Facebook profile pic. 
"I'm a woman, not a sex object" - said a woman to herself as she put on a push-up bra.
Facebook to roll out hastag suport over the next few weeks. #LookAtMyKid #LookAtMyCat #LookAtMyDinner #LookAtMeAtTheGym #LookAtMyFeetAtThePool #IHateDramaSoHereIsSomeDrama ..... There #ThatShouldCoverThemAll.
Remember that weird kid who ate boogers in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! ,,Just kidding, He died......... (come on,,he ate boogers)
No one has higher hopes than a newly divorced man in his 40's selecting his first bottle of Axe body spray
Don't attack others when the beef is with yourself.
Time to get white girl wasted,scream wooo at strangers, cry in a bathroom,take a pic in said bathroom flashing a gang sign & call it a night
It was a pleasure ruining my life with you.
Women are like cats. Rub them right and they'll love you, on occasion.
My idea of a blind date is not removing your blind fold.
You know How tornadoes only hit trailer parks hard... I'm guessing these Derechos only hit Home Depots hard.
a police uniform is just another gang color
Itunes was wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
If a 99 pound person eats 1 pound of nachos,,, that person is 1% nacho
My morning bowel movement would be a lot more relaxing if it happened at home or at work instead of during my commute
Youtube is down so I'll just have to go to Instagram and imagine the cats are moving.
I hate being that creepy guy outside your window, but damn girl it's 7:30 already. You're gonna be late for work.
This bar has like 50 different kinds of beer and DiGiorno pizza and the bouncer keeps telling me it's a "grocery store"
Being a gentleman never goes out of style
I bet Jesus was pissed that he missed the whole weekend and then woke up on a Sunday when the liquor stores are closed. 