Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drinking & driving is extremely dangerous. Yesterday evening while driving, I stuck my arm out of the window to indicate right turn and someone stole my beer...

   As I've grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible! But pissing everyone off...that's a piece of cake!!!

   I miss having a girlfriend. I get so tired of listening to whatever music I want, on road trips to wherever I want to go, with zero guilt.

   I think EVERY elevator should have it's "2" button replaced with,, "Congratulations, You lazy fat-ass."

   I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."

   I don't know what the key to success is, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

   Morning sex means, “I love making love to you so much that your dragon breath doesn't even phase me.

   I like enlarged buttocks and I cannot stop myself from telling the truth.

   Leaving your cell phone unlocked near your girlfriend is like leaving a cake near a fat kid. They will sure as hell go through that sh!t.

   Resistance is Not Futile...it's Voltage divided by Current

   Moral of the story is only cheat with people who have the same relationship status as you. That's how you avoid drama because both of you gotta go home.

   I've always wanted to place a personal ad no one would answer: "Elderly, depressed, accident-prone junkie, likes Canadian food and Welsh music, seeking rich, well-built, oversexed, female deaf mute in her late teens. Must be nonsmoker."

   “One man's trash is another man's treasure” is an awesome phrase, but it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.

   Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn't find a hug"

   I don't burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.

   The better person you become, the better person you will attract.

   Do you know who has a bad sense of direction? This guy. =======>

   Just walked by the Kardashian Kollection at Sears and now I have Klamydia.

   go to all your friends status updates and type in... You spelled ANAL wrong.

   I never knew Will Ferrell had so much talent....good job on the tight rope!