Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you keep walking backwards, you will eventually fall over the hurdles you have already crossed in your life.

   I would like to give a big shout out to all the pissed off kids who only get one set of presents a year because their birthday is too close to Christmas.

   To the jerk that has been stealing everyone's lunch from the company refridgerator, I sprinkled just the right amout of marijuana and cocaine on that sandwhich of mine you just ate, to fail that suprise drug test that is coming tomorrow! Karma Baby!!!

   I went to a library & asked for a book about small pen!ses. The library said "I'm not sure if it's in yet" "Yup, that's the one" I replied

   "I'm a woman, not a sex object" - said a woman to herself as she put on a push-up bra.

   When a woman tells you 'you're cute', it means you're ugly and you just entered the friendzone.

   How can I trust you when you keep trying to run away every time I untie you.

   These debates are cool, but I think Romney and Obama should just skip the last debate and do an episode of "Wife Swap" instead...

   I just yawned so loud now I'm pretty sure a whale somewhere is trying to answer.

   I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

   Accidentally took a women's multi vitamin and I've been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.

   When I see an ugly obese woman pushing a cart full of kids in a store, I immediately think "Who keeps fuck!ng you?"

   Being single is nice because I don't have to repeat my mumbled gibberish in a defensive tone.

   Don't worry, ladies. Cellulite goes away when you bend over.

   I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!

   Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.

   I'm black but not "both my parents are white" black.

   Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”

   Hey NFL, why all the domestic violence ads? We're not the ones beating up women, you are.

   If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.