Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they're absolutely right because smart men don't get married.

   3 things you’ll never hear in a Trailer Park: 1. What kind of mustard do you want? 2. Trans Am suck! 3. I have a dental appointment today.

   Now that Fall is here, do you think all the teenage girls with duck-faces will fly South for the winter?

   Help free the reindeer from sleighvery.

   Dinner-$25 Margarita-$8 Girls night out-$33 Yelling "Hey Sl@t" and watching 12 different girls turn around- Priceless

   I bought a used sex doll. I like a woman with experience.

   I just read a news article with the headline "Woman beats off rapist" and I thought, "Well, that seems like a reasonable compromise...."

   Message to NFL Players taking a knee....It is easy to take liberty for granted, when you have never had it taken from you.

   Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you." She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?" He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

   A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

   The Patriot Gaurd Motorcycle Riders were awesome at protecting my family from a$$hole Westboro Baptist Haters at my nephews military funeral. Maybe the Hell's Angels to also come and give the same love those hatemongers give others at the next funeral.

   A woman's cleavage tells you the amount and type of attention she needs.

   It's a man's job to respect a woman. But, it's a woman's job to give him something to respect...

   getting so cold in school that some black guys are actually begining to pull their pants up. Wow!!

   Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don't stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."

   Today, I told a girl she was pretty. She wasn't. Call me fake, but that smile on her face was real.

   just realized that if you change the word "wand" to "wang" in the Harry Potter books, suddenly the books become a lot more interesting.

   Getting older sucks, I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks, but now its more like a bounced check.

   Always smile in the morning. It will make people wonder what you did the night before.

   Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.