Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I leave notes on people's windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.

   China: 1.2 billion people. 50 last names.

   Let's be sensitive this Halloween and not be rude. They are no longer "Ghosts", they are Apparition Americans.

   My wife got in the shower with me this morning. She said "Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me". So I put shampoo in her eyes.

   I'm done being nice and listening to my female friends complain about the men the choose to be with. Either get rid of him or stop venting to me about them! And why I'm at it, don't tell me all the good guys are taken when I am in fact a good guy.

   Today's big idea - Coffee eye drops

   Why do none of the doctors look like strippers? Where are all the ones I put through med school?

   My son finally found out Santa isn't real, but he claims he heard footsteps on the roof the last couple years on Christmas. This year instead of leaving cookies and sleeping, he's going to sit on the roof with a shotgun.

   : Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.

   The girl who I have had a crush on for 2 years snuck up from behind me and gave me a hug. I farted very loud at the same exact time...

   If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons made Rosie O'Donnell fat.

   Please, smart people, stop getting out of jury duty.

   If you lick your sandwich in front of me so I won't steal it when you walk off, I will lick the other side.

   Have you ever read a book or watched a film that touched your soul so deeply it changed your entire outlook on life? I just took a dump like that….

   Amy Winehouse says her body has been through so much she probably can't get pregnant. Darwin wins again.

   This ban on texting while driving only makes things worse. Now I have to worry about driving, texting AND not getting caught texting.

   Tip of the Day: When greeting your friend Jack at an airport,do not yell "HI,JACK!!". Another tip: prison food is terrible.

   would be more willing to accept people for who they are if they were more like how I wanted them to be.

   Clay Aiken & Ruben Studdard going on tour together.....unfortunately that isn't a April Fool's joke!!!

   Today In the Facebook Stock Market, 'Happy Easter' status updates are up 200%, 'Stupid Group Invitations' are up 50%, 'Friendship Bonding' plummets and 'Exaggerations' are down 3.40 pts on the Nasdaq.