Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone needs to tell Dominique Strauss-Kahn that in this country bankers are only allowed to screw their customers.

   It's great having a JOB that leaves me Just Over Broke.

   Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

   ending the night with green beer in a sippy cup!

   A sunset is just a beautiful way of reminding you of all the stuff you didn't get done today.

   Once they stop talking to you, they start talking about you.

   We are the WTF generation : Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.

   Facebook requires 8 character complex password for what? The bank only wants a 4-digit number to remove all my cash.

   How's everyone holding up? It was crazy last night. I must have killed like fifteen zombies. But I still don't understand why they were all carrying bags of candy.

   French onion soup is just regular onion soup that doesn’t shave its armpits

   Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.

   Dear kids snorting rubbers don't worry,, Your parents didn't know how to use them properly either...

   A lot of people do not realize thats the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.

   My cat would like you to know that no dragon has ever attacked me whilst sitting on the toilet. And she plans on keeping it that way.

   Saw a sign in the bus station today, it said ‘One bus takes 35 cars off the road’ personally I think it depends how aggressive the driver is…

   When I was a teenager, there was only one phone app. It was called the "dial tone."

   If you don't know who George Soros is, or who Saul Alinsky was and what Cloward-Piven means, Do America a favor and either educate yourself or DO NOT Vote.

   I wanted a candy bar but instead I did the right thing and ate an apple, with some walnuts and caramel topping.

   Saw a woman pushing her dressed up cat in a stroller. When are we going to take mental health seriously in this country?

   A leaf blower is specifically designed to make your problem someone else’s.