Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think it's really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Steve, agrees with me.

   Silly prank: Transmit clips of backward devil talk to your neighbors' baby monitor at random times throughout the night.

   As for my solicitation of prostitution charge Your Honor, I would like it dismissed under of the Dire Straits "Chicks for free" act of 1985.

   If someone you know has a serious gambling problem just bet them they can't get help

   Really? I swear there is just not enough toilet paper to deal with the s*** around here sometimes!

   I wonder if Titanic would have been as romantic if Jack would have said, "Hey Rose how bout we let me get on the headboard for just a couple of minutes"....

   Whenever I screw up at work I'm so glad I'm not a doctor.

   It's Friday night... So many innocent beers have no idea what's coming for 'em.

   I like getting drunk because I love it when the whole world revolves around me.

   Apparently I offended a midget with one of my jokes. I told him to grow up.

   I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

   When my life flashes before my eyes, I hope it's not the special extended edition with all the deleted scenes I've blocked from my memory.

   I rode in an ambulance today....I can't believe they just leave those thing running in front of the ER like a valet service.

   Whenever I open the fridge, my dog looks at me with a face that simply says "why don't you eat all the food?"

   The Breakfast Club ruined detention shenanigans for the rest of us.

   St. Valentine was actually beaten, stoned, and then eventually beheaded...they don't tell you that on the cards.

   I want whatever drugs make sign twirlers tolerate their jobs for more than 9 seconds.

   Life is all about A$$! You are either covering it! Kissing it! Busting it! Laughing it off! Trying to get a piece of it! ......Or you live with one!!!

   I decided to leave the paperboy a tip! I left some at the end of the driveway, in the bushes,by the sprinkler, everywhere but my at my front door!!!

   Wine is to women as duct tape is to men… it fixes everything.