Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   out of bed ... waking up is another story ...

   would like "Reasons I Don't Want To Be At Work Today" for $200, Alex.

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

   loves nerds 2² ever...

   Your dependence on oxygen is where our similarities end...

   Greeting cards are for people who mean every word someone else said.

   I don't like to think myself as 'Special' I like to think myself as limited edition

   Maybe the Greeks wouldn't be so broke if they would stop having big fat weddings

   thinks KFC donating money to breast cancer research is like the mafia giving money to the neighborhood church.

   I don't know if I Should be mad at you or my phone.. because when you called me under "Restricted" my phone didn't use your specific ringtone. so now I'm stuck talking to you!!"

   "I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."

   Yes. I am aware that my shirt is wrinkled and no I didn't feel like ironing it....don't judge me.

   Collecting my thoughts... I almost have a whole set!

   Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, auditioning for the circus again.

   I've decided that, instead of being a good example, I'll be a warning.

   I read the rules and decided they are stupid so I will be making my own from now on.

   I know where children get their energy... they drain it from their parents!

   So if I don't kill you, I make you stronger? I really don't have any options here.

   Half the lies they tell about me aren't true

   why, hello there tequila and vodka....enjoy your stay, and as usual...please feel free to as many complementary brain cells you'd like.....i believe you and liver have met??