Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be your own best friend. Everyone will be jealous.

   I like the fact that you can see someone's location on their Facebook profile. Because It makes it easier for me to avoid them.

   They've installed a machine at the BAR which tells you when to stop drinking. Its called an ATM.

   Last night,,, I dreamt about Christopher Walken and Gilbert Gottfried rap battling...... (You're welcome, for that mental imagery)

   My ex-wife is living proof of how stupid I can be.

   I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I'm driving

   How about we put Sandusky and the Colorado shooter in the same cell, and turn out the lights?

   Sometimes relationships last longer when facebook doesn't know about them.

   My dog just growled back at my rumbling stomach. We have reached a new level of communication.

   I'm starting to believe that most people wouldn't be that much different if they were turned into actual zombies....

   I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.

   I'm not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.

   Sometimes when you watch Jersey Shore or Keeping Up With the Kardshians, you can feel your brain cells dying.

   I don't trust my shrink anymore. First, he tells me to speak freely, then he charges me for listening.

   I have just enough ketchup packets in my desk drawer at work to successfully fake my own death

   Friends are forever, until they get in a relationship.

   Anderson Cooper comes out just in time to give Tom Cruise a run for his money in wooing John Travolta.

   Anderson Cooper must have seen 'Magic Mike' this weekend.

   I've spent 50% of my life learning how to live without drugs and alcohol and the other 50% happy.

   there's so much sexual tension in my apartment right now... I'm so tired of living alone.