Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The wife wants me to take her to one of those fancy resturants where they prepare your food right in front of you. Does anyone know if I need reservations for Waffle House?

   If a girl stabbed me on our first date, how many days should I wait to ask her out again?

   The only thing keeping me from driving off this bridge is the insurance rate increase if I survive

   The N-B-A lockout continues. Which explains the 8-foot man cleaning my windshield this morning.

   Sometimes when you watch Jersey Shore or Keeping Up With the Kardshians, you can feel your brain cells dying.

   I don't trust my shrink anymore. First, he tells me to speak freely, then he charges me for listening.

   I have just enough ketchup packets in my desk drawer at work to successfully fake my own death

   Friends are forever, until they get in a relationship.

   Anderson Cooper comes out just in time to give Tom Cruise a run for his money in wooing John Travolta.

   Anderson Cooper must have seen 'Magic Mike' this weekend.

   I've spent 50% of my life learning how to live without drugs and alcohol and the other 50% happy.

   there's so much sexual tension in my apartment right now... I'm so tired of living alone.

   condolences to Demi Moore a year ago she lost custody of Ashton Kutcher.jg

   Suggestion for Mark Zuckerberg: When someone defriends me on Facebook, a picture of my bare ass pops up on their screen.

   Facebook is the leading cause to cell phone battery deaths.

   My safe word is ..."HARDER FASTER...PLEASE DON'T STOP"

   It's one of life's cruel tricks that by the time you're old enough to afford a flashy sports car, you look ridiculous driving it.

   the odds of going to the store for one item, and coming out with only one item, are a billion to one.

   Somewhere, someone is looking for someone exactly like you.

   What has 75 balls and screws little old ladies? Bingo