Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   every 60 seconds in Africa, A minute passes.

   What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.

   Everything has gone to hell ever since Dennis Rodman visited North Korea, I wonder what he told them

   Trusting people these days should totally be the new adventure sport.

   If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you're one of them

   7 Billion people, 14 billion Faces.

   My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...

   My doctor said I should eat more Taco Bell. He actually said "Less McDonald's", but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant.

   Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......

   its not an addiction until you've blown someone for it.

   My outdoor patio furniture is breaking on me now. My transformation into "white trash" is almost complete!!

   I was a bit embarrassed about dropping a gallon jug of Heinz ketchup all over aisle 7 at Sam's Club....but I managed to salvage my pride by creating an extemely convincing crime scene!

   I dont care what women say, size matters in bed.The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.

   If you say "Swag" or YOLO" I probably hate you.

   It was only after I started dancing in the food court - alone - that I learned flash mobs are planned...

   Mario Kart is more fun if you imagine everyone's fleeing the scene of a brutal homicide.

   According to weather.com,,, there appears to be a HUGE ad for car insurance moving in from the west..... RUN FOR YOUR LIVES !!!!

   There's no place like home. (to poop)

   So apparently Justin Bieber is planning to visit the troops in the Middle East. Taliban, this is your last shot for redemption.

   If elected President, I would give out free window tint to all those people who sit at traffic lights and insist on picking their nose..