Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dry clean only...means I will never ever wash this.

   Dear Shake Weight, Thanks for showing the ladies how it's done. Forever yours, Edward

   A rumor goes in one ear and then out of many mouths.

   You're the one who posted over a thousand pictures of yourself on-line, why does looking at them make me the weird one?

   I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!

   I'm thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there's this thing called Google now.

   Life is unpredictable. Just when you think you've got enough lotion on your skin, you may just get the hose again.

   Standing in walmart cosmetics aisle with wife and she asks me if she should try this tube of wrinkle remover. I replied "it's kind of a small tube, isn't it?". I've stopped coughing up blood, so the doctors optimistic.

   My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I didn't love her back. It's nice when problems resolve themselves like that.

   its so hot, I just saw a bird blow on a worm before it ate it

   Can't believe it's the Chinese New Year. I'm still writing Rabbit on all of my checks.

   It's 2012. How come some restaurants haven't figured out how to split checks? Nobody wants to take a math test after they eat.

   After reading about Alicia Silverstone, I have some new things to be thankful for...Dear Mom, thank you for not naming me "Bear Blu" and especially for not feeding me pre-chewed, discarded food straight from your mouth!

   Dog's diary = me and my master played all day! Cat's diary = day 154 of captivity.

   I bet the Super Size Me guy regrets not doing his McDonalds binge during the Monopoly promotion.

   While on Facebook, I realized that I don't hate Facebook...I hate people.

   May you be as happy as a person in an infomercial today.

   driving out to the family farm for Thanksgiving. But first, a stop at the airport for a quickie.

   BP has released a statement saying most Gulf residents are not upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy.That's like Al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security.

   I'm not quite ready to declare this the 2,847th best day of my life, but it's certainly trending that way.