Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girl: "Age is just a number." Guy: "Yeah? And jail is just a room."

   I just saw a guy wipe ketchup off his girlfriend's moustache in McDonald's. And they say romance is dead.

   Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I've only missed one day

   A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don’t know how to turn on the dish washer. I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.

   Those kids who cant find the Totino pizza rolls in the empty freezer, then leave the phone in the freezer deserve to starve to death

   Dear Modern Warfare 3, Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity. Sincerely, Parents Everywhere

   If I call Customer Service, and they say, “This call is being recorded for training purposes,” I make sure to say “motherf*cker” a lot. I'm sure they don't get enough training on that.

   My favorite genre of rap is bragging about all the murders you committed then complaining that the cops pull you over for no reason.

   If a girl flushes a public toilet with her foot, there is probably a lot of other things she won't do.

   Anyone caught singing Christmas carols between now and Thanksgiving will be slapped.

   Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.

   Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It's so fun to watch them freak out!

   I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.

   I never called you stupid dear. But when I ask you how to spell Mississippi an you ask the state or the river...it kinda caught me off guard!

   Today is only my second day as a stay-at-home dad but I'm already confused. Do I get the fake tan or boobs first? And what's a zumba class?

   The only friends you need in your life are the ones that prove they need you in theirs. I guess it's just sometimes we expect more from our friends because we would be willing to do that much more for them.

   I put my WELCOME mat on the inside of my house so the world doesn't seem so scary when I leave.

   I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of saying,. "I wish I did that."

   Benadryl -- the $7 babysitter.

   That lonely moment when the only text message you get all day is from your cell phone company..