Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   R.I.P. Mr. Steinbrenner... I never really "hated" your Yankees, just wish you would have bought the Braves!

   Dont blame me. I voted for Trump.

   For next season's "Survivor" series, let's get 16 college millennials and force them to live in the real world.

   Had dinner with a girl tonight! Ok so maybe she was on the tv, but we were eating at the same time so I'm counting it.

   If I'm on a date & it's bad, I'm just gonna stand up & say, "I'm an actor, they're all actors, & you're on MTV's Disaster Date!" & RUN out.

   This sign says "in case of fire, do not use elevator." haha! Seriously? Who would be dumb enough to try to put out a fire with an elevator.

   Wow!!! I farted into my iPhone and Siri told me what I had for breakfast.

   When I meet someone and I get a "Nice weather we are having..." I say, "My dog's toys taste salty!" I find it moves the conversation along.

   Can anyone recommend a good website where people I knew in high school post pics of their meals?

   I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.

   Hey dumb ass. Not every thing I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with, Hey dumb ass.

   Magic trick: Take your age, subtract three, now add three. That's your age.

   Only God can Judge Me!....and some family, a few friends, the neighbors, definitely a couple co-workers! And all my Facebook friends!!!

   Jehovah's witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.

   How exactly is carrying a screaming two year old different from playing the bagpipes?

   Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

   It's cute the way you ignore the red squiggly line under all of your words.

   I'm waking up early to knock on Jehovah's Witnesses' doors. Gonna ask them if they've accepted Time Warner as their Internet Service Provider.

   If I were a gynecologist I would name my practice "All Up In Yo Business."

   My girlfriend says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?