Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Officer : How High are you ? Drunk : No officer it's Hi, How are you ?!

   Wanna put your relationship's trust to the test, switch phones for a day. See who gets uncomfortable and defensive about the idea first.

   People who bring their own bags to the grocery store always look like they're waiting for applause.

   I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 8 or 9 times, just to be sure.

   Practical joke idea: all of us go back to MySpace for one week, get Tom all excited, and then leave again

   Almost all serial killers are men. That's because women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years.

   I used to think you took my breath away. Then I realized I was just suffocated by your bulls!ht...

   Shower = 27 min. 2min. = Wash and rinse body. 25 min. = Reflection and deep thoughts about the origin of life and the universe.

   WATER - Giver of Life….Destroyer of Witches….Improver of T-Shirt contests.....

   If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

   Its simple.PG,means the hero gets the girl,PG13 means that the villain gets the girl and 18 means everybody gets the girl!!!

   likes poetry, long walks on the beach.... and poking dead things with a stick.

   I'm no a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure "He started it," is a legit defense.

   Lost his mind somewhere.. If you find it please put it back in the gutter.

   You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant...

   For the Mean girl who cut me off, gave me the finger & rolled down your window just to call me A-hole. Next time you should think before you act. You were pulling into your Driveway. Now you have Egg on your face & your car & your house. =)

   Well if Killer Whales kill, I dont wanna know what Humpback or Sperm whales do...

   has ordered a home delivery from KFC and Denny's simultaneously, so he can see which comes first, the chicken or the eggs.

   I'm going to make Christmas cookies with dog bone cookie cutters & see if anyone eats them this year!!!

   they should change the name of Rock Band to 'Drunken Family karaoke Failure'