Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.

   I wonder how police on bikes arrest people, "Alright, get in the basket."

   Karma Sutra: When fate f*cks you in all sorts of creative ways.

   There is no straight way to wash a cucumber.

   Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.

   Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

   If history has taught us anything, it's that reheated french fries are gross.

   My son asked what marriage is like so I answered, "It's fine" and then gave him the silent treatment for three days.

   Here's a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.

   Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.

   I think all the women who don't get a rose on the Bachelor should at least walk away with a cat.

   I don’t think I meet the height requirement to ride your emotional rollercoaster

   My automatic ice maker has 2 settings... 1) Off....... 2) It's 3 AM & There's a Killer in the Kitchen

   Being 'clean and sober' means I've showered and I'm headed to the liquor store.

   FACT:There is no angry way to say ‘bubbles.’

   Having mutual friends with someone does not mean you should add them on Facebook. It's like a stranger knocking on your door and saying, "Hey we both know Mike, John, and Sara. You mind if I come in?"

   A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for. Life, motherf*cker.

   I'm not saying don't trust the internet but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I've won & the number of ipads I own

   In 10 years I'm opening a lower-back tattoo removal clinic called 'Mom What's That?'

   If you ever decide to commit suicide by jumping from a building, the least you could do is wear a cape first.