Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I snuck in my neighbor's house last night and ate up all their Christmas cookies. This secret Santa thing isn't so bad after all.

   Talk to me long enough and you'll realize why I'm single.

   You know those bugs that fly into your windshield? Those were the married ones.

   I pulled my wife's hair this morning. First, from the shower drain and then from my toothbrush.. Really wasn't all that hot, honestly.

   If you invite me to a party please make sure to have a cat or dog present so I have someone to hang out with.

   If Iron Man and Man of Steel were to team up, they'd be powerful alloys.

   Pretty sure birds wake up and spend 2 hours asking each other where the Sun is.

   Pool party at my house, Bring your own pools.

   This heat makes people do crazy things... Like talk to me.

   People don't hate you because you're beautiful. They hate you because being beautiful made you a stuck up b*tch.

   If I was The Bachelor we'd all play Mario Kart for 8 weeks, then I'd pick the one with the biggest boobs

   Coffee , because beating the crap out of people is illegal.

   I wonder if those crazy dancing, sign holding guys you see on the corner are given an itunes and an alcohol allowance?

   Airlines have become so cash-strapped, they're also going to charge for emotional baggage.

   I hate when people text me "what are you doing?" at 1:00 pm on a weekday. Well I don't have your Art History degree, so probably "working".

   Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.

   Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells F&CK really loud then people scurry like mad.

   If you're 40 and still wearing your high school grad ring......um...no.

   I'm just a boy. In love with a girl. Standing here quietly. Behind your shower curtain. Watching.

   I can't wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend