life Funny Status Messages

   The two best days of my life: The day I got married and the day my divorce was final.

   I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

   I’ve had the time of my life like ten or eleven times now.

   First dates in movies always consist of activities that would never work in real life. Oh, paddle boating in a lake... so romantic until the first fight comes 4 seconds in on which person is not pulling their weight.

   it's not a crutch, it's something i've come to rely on to help me through life

   Life puts a continual set of roadblocks in our way. Keep knocking that sh*t down and move forward.

   I Just unlocked the 'Five Naps in One Day Achievement' in the game that is my life.

   Life should be this simple: do whatever makes you happy until you die.

   FOUR STAGES OF A MANS LIFE : 1. You believe in santa. 2. You don't believe in santa. 3. You are santa. 4. You look like santa.

   Just once in my life I'd love to make just the perfect amount of spaghetti for myself. Anyways, if you're hungry come on over. And bring like five friends.

   I have spend so much money on buying different clothes...without realizing the best moments of my life are spent without them.

   Childhood is just the ‘free trial’ edition of life. When it ends, you have to pay for the full version or else you’ll lose everything.

   Life was a lot easier when I believed in Santa Claus. . .

   At last night’s town hall, Bernie Sanders said, "I’ve had good endurance my whole life." Then there was an awkward rebuttal by Mrs. Bernie Sanders.

   It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

   My only real goal in life is to fart loud enough to trigger a car alarm. :)))

   The world did not end on the 21st. It was just rebooted. Please be sure your security software is up to date. Run a full scan of your life and remove any malicious files which may be damaging your joy, stealing your hope, or slowing down your blessings. I

   You can look at some people and instantly know they're only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.

   May the millions of lights that shine today light up your life with endless prosperity, good fortune and joy. Sending you and your family warmest wishes for a wonderful and happy Diwali, from India

   Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?