Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music,, denigrate means ‘put down'.

   I like to eat at Brazilian restaurants because there will be no hair in the food

   Uhm, excuse me waiter... I'd like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.

   Back in my day, Recess was where they sent us out to a rusty death trap circus,, and now people can't eat gluten.

   Million dollar idea: Vasectomy booth at Disney World exit.

   If movies have taught me anything it's that all car chases eventually lead through a fruit stand.

   Why is it I can't get mobile reception sometimes, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?

   Watching Friday 13th - a load of awful make-up, on brain-dead 'zombies'. Hang on. Sorry, wrong channel that was "The View".

   I don't have a dirty mind. I have a sexy imagination.

   Cop to a hooker: What would your mother do if she seen you out here doing this? Hooker: She'd kill me, this is her corner.

   My heart just skipped a beat when I glanced at my wife across the room. Mostly because she was holding my phone

   The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you're still a child.

   says When you go to the drug store to buy condoms, ask them where the fitting room is

   Thanksgiving is the one day each year day families get together…and remind themselves why they only get together once a year.

   The political correctness has gone mad. I can't even refer to my child as "my disabled son". Apparently the correct term is "daughter"!?!?

   Febreeze should make a scent powerful enough to remove wtf is that awful smell, instead of just wtf is that awful smell plus Febreeze.

   I hate sharing a name with someone famous. I'm always telling people, "No, no! I'm not THAT Batman!"

   What I meant to text: 'sweety pie'. What I actually texted: 'sweaty pig'. Proofreading: it can save relationships.

   Know why single women are so thin? They come home, look in the fridge and go to bed, married women come home, look in the bed and go to the fridge. lol

   A smile is a sign of joy. A hug is a sign of love. A laugh is a sign of happiness. And a friend like me…Sh*t, that's just a sign of good taste!!