Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey Timex, if I end up 660ft under water I won't need a watch.

   Nothing brings out the worst in human nature like a crowded mall. :) I can't wait to start Christmas shopping!

   Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

   I really do wish there was a pause button in life, like those twix commercials when you "need a moment?" I would smack the shet out of some people and they would have no idea what hit them!

   you know you are having a bad day, when the bird singing outside your window is a vulture

   You see all this snow and complain, I see potential for filling my bathtub with it and chilling many beers for a party!

   Life should come with more opportunities to shove peoples faces in cake.

   going to go observe the ladies' shakeweight class at the gym.

   Today's life lesson: If you can't wow them with brilliance, Baffle them with bullshit.

   always snickers when people say their computer went down on them.

   "I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone."

   The other day, Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring.

   And in the stock market today, helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

   My laziness is becoming such a issue that I can't even be bothered hanging my clothes on my treadmill anymore

   Am I the only one that thinks Gobbler's Knob sounds like a dirty movie title?

   If we live more than 200 miles apart, I will always mark "not attending" on every invite you send me unless I get at least a month's notice. Please keep this in mind when you send out your invites.

   Lucky = A man who is a woman's 1st love. Luckier = A woman who is a man's last love.

   Plagiarism saves time.

   I'm at the wedding, you guys just can't see me because I've got one of those weird hats on.

   Well darn , looks like William and Kate are not registered at Walmart . Looks like I won't be able to get them that 48 pack of Orville Redenbacher