Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only reason I liked your post was because I was trying to clean a smudge off my screen.

   Comcast acquiring Time Warner Cable is like Nickelback and Creed deciding to go on tour together.

   My trust issues are so bad that I don't even believe people when they use their turn signals.

   No more Game of Thrones for my husband. Every time I eat a donut he follows me around the house saying "Shame. Shame. Shame."

   Ashley Madison's servers were hacked, just in case your husband seems really nervous today for no reason...

   Sometimes I worry that I'm gonna run out of status material... Then I look around at my family and I'm like, naaa I'm good.

   I carry a yoga mat but it's only because I get sleepy after lunch

   Not to cause a panic but i'm starting to think we're running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.

   Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.

   Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn't know you did that for fun.

   It's called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I'd of sent a bloody letter

   Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don't know who this woman is but she's my new life coach.

   The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.

   I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. I only have 13 more to go!

   Before forming an opinion on an important social topic, ask yourself: what would a completely unqualified millionaire celebrity actor think?

   I used to question how much information was too much information. Joined Facebook It's much clearer now

   So red or white wine with hamburger helper?

   Screw coffee, I want whatever this happy singing bird is on. Times three.

   You'll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.

   Relationship status – bathing everyday isn't a priority anymore.