Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why don't they give hurricanes epic names like cyclone of doom or the fate fairy instead of frikken Sandy.....

   Just saw a homeless man with a blue tooth. It was his only tooth.

   Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

   The smallest compliment from the right person, changes the whole game.

   New drinking game for election night coverage. You take a drink every time the say "Ohio" and "Too close to call"

   Papa John's out in Denver bout to make some money since weed is legal... Smart investment Peyton Manning

   The true test of any loving relationship is having two phones and only one functioning charger.

   To me, drink responsibly means don't f?cking spill it

   I don't like using public restrooms,,,, Mostly because I've seen the public.

   My latest superpower is waking up one minute before my alarm goes off..... It's actually a very stupid superpower.

   The only time a woman succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby

   A woman in Wisconsin named her child Marijuana Pepsi Cola Jackson. Proof that Aliens will not be invading us, because there is no intelligent life on this planet.

   Never kiss anyone who's constantly saying things taste like shi t.

   If my wife says one more thing about how poorly I manage money... she's not allowed to jump in the inflatable castle I just bought on EBay.

   The NewYork Knicks announced they are going to cut off Beer sales after the 3rd Quarter of games starting next season! Not to worry though, that's just for point guard Jason Kidd!!!

   Fellas; If she doesn't call you every minute of the day, never let her go.

   Penn State announced the reason they took down the Joe Paterno statue was becuase of the jokes and fun the University was being subjected to! This coming from a school that has a stadium named ''Beaver''

   I once won an argument with a woman…in this dream I had.

   I hate it when subway picks the crappiest sub for their "$5 sub of the month"

   I usually feel much better after I have evacuated all of the Westboro Baptist Church out of my colon