Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No matter how little I do in a day....I always feel like I could have done less.

   If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

   I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??

   I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.

   Thursday doesn't even count as a day, it's just the thing that's blocking friday.

   Who else thought the ad for the new World of Warcraft game was a preview for a new kick ass Kung-Fu Panda movie?

   If I rule the world first thing I'll do is add a extra day into the weekend right after Saturday.. It will be called Matterday... It won't matter what you do that day

   I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.

   There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....

   Farted on the bus, 4 people turned around, felt like i'm on "The Voice"

   You're never going to change the world by trying to fit in.

   Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested, everything you say can and will be used against you. So use your right to remain silent...

   "Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.

   The only card I want for Valentine's is VISA.

   Got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I'm gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist and a priest.

   #Remembers #A #Time #When #People #Used #To #Write #Without #Using #This #!

   I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.

   I'm not a mechanic so I don't know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

   You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.

   Your opinion of me is not as important as my opinion of me.