Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the pill...... the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid pregnancy

   Ladies, don't give every man a taste because eventually you'll run out of flavor

   So, just wondering...Is the Navy seal who shot Bin Laden going to get the 25 million bounty he so rightly deserves???? HE SHOULD!!!!

   We get it. Female without the vowels is FML. Enough.

   wondering whether Lady Gaga dresses up like a normal person when it's halloween.

   I woke up this morning with a hospital arm-band on containing all the information off my fake I.D. WTF did we do last night!?!?

   Life is too short to wake up with regrets.So love the people who treat you right. Forget about those who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it, and if it changes your life, let it. Enjoy life: you only have one!

   Got a text from my girlfriend, 'thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative.' I wonder what 'ternative' means?

   You gotta go for personality, guys.... They'll ALL look like grandma someday,,

   Statistics Show That Criminals Commit Less Crime After They’ve Been Shot

   if you ever feel bad or depressed, just remember you were once the fastest most victorious sperm in the bunch!!

   Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

   I've said it before and I'll say it again: I've said it before and I'll say it again.

   For 20 yrs Jay-Z referred to other men's daughters as b!tches & hoes then decides his own daughter Princess Baby Jesus is exempt from the game!

   Who else is hiding in the bathroom at their mom's house drinking?

   People who use that snobby pronunciation of "vase" make me want to punch them in the foz.

   I'll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life, I'm going to "let cool in microwave for 1 minute".

   I'm so old I remember when teens getting pregnant meant "PANIC!" not "Congratulations, you get your own MTV show!"

   Turn a man down for sex, he gets over it. Turn a woman down? Oh. My. God.

   Ive saved a ton of money on Birthday Cards by switching to Facebook!