Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   one of the biggest compliments you can receive is when someone posts a status update about your status update

   Profanity is most useful when you need to hide your inability to recall the right word in a heated moment.

   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

   I'm not a Facebook Freak!.... says the guy updating his status from the toilet

   I know it's my kind of bar when the bathroom door has a sign that says: "No couples. One at a time."

   They have tracking on Facebook so your family and friends know where you are? If I wanted them to know where I was I would answer my phone.

   You know your relationship is in trouble when she loads her vibrator with batteries from the TV remote, alarm clock and your pacemaker.

   A law that made it illegal to lie about military medals has just been overturned. On a side note, my resumé just got a lot more interesting......

   tired of these rock bands all sounding the same. They should all just rename themselves "Puddle of NickelCreed."

   - I don't need Anger Management, I need for people to not piss me off!!!

   I'm going to be more productive today by making a list of things I don't have to do and accomplish every one of them.

   is wondering if there is such a thing called the "Whine" Flu ? If so I am pretty sure some of my FB friends have it......

   Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made something interesting out of myself

   I never contradict myself. And if you say otherwise, I will agree with you.

   Signs you're getting old. Trying to save something on your computer and you can't remember where you put the floppy disks.

   Since I've been out of school, I've been to over 30 weddings. That's like 15 miles of the electric slide, people.

   Ever notice that one buddy that always seems to tell others to "take one for the team" has in fact never taken one for the team?

   Dear Hotel Decorator, why do you insist on putting the coffee maker next to the toilet?

   going to put doves in his coat in case he gets mugged, gotta keep things interesting...

   You know that look women get right before they want to have sex? Me neither.