Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it there's always "that guy" wearing a jersey to a NFL game when his team is not playing there?!?!?

   Whenever I get a Christmas present that I don't want, I hold onto it and give it to someone else as their birthday gift.

   You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing,

   The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.

   My good deed: Saw this homeless guy sign today, I was compelled by what I saw and immediately went to Walgreens to buy him a new poster and markers.....No one should have a sign that bad.

   It would be easier to keep my New Year's resolution to accept and forgive people if they'd stop being the same jacka$$es they were last year.

   What I learned from Movies: No matter how fast you run, a psychopath can catch up to you by walking slowly

   Every person who ever asked if they were bothering me was bothering me

   I just saw a lady carrying a "Forever 21 bag should have been carrying one that says "49 and Still Clubbin.

   Feeling stressed about something? Ask yourself, “Will this really matter after I've had a few drinks?”

   My smart phone has a lot of capabilities, but none as valuable as being able to pretend I'm on it when I run into someone I know in public.

   Unicorns aren't extinct - they just gained weight and are now called rhinos.

   Would any respectable man tell ANYONE that he was roughed up by Justin Bieber?

   Dance like no one's going to put it on YouTube.

   When you count, it's called push-ups. When you don't, it's called sex.

   Aside from ur face, what's ur problem!? ;)

   The most difficult foreign language to learn is 'Ozzy Osbourne'. I think they make a Rosetta Stone version for that.

   People keep telling me the right man will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck.

   I don't really care about being judged...as long as its not by a jury.

   Just list United States first, Scroll Down Menu. I'm quite certain no one from Afghanistan is signing up for your email alerts.