Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bath salts side effects include: hallucinations, delusions, erratic behavior, immunity to bullets and being a terrible kisser.

   When I fart...you will be the second person to know.

   I heard that Google Searches stay on your hard drive forever...that means my laptop will never be for sale.

   I always enjoy sharing old memories w/ the @sshole from my old high school... while he is ringing up my groceries.

   I find it hilarious that only one company makes the game monopoly

   I tried to kill myself once with Asprin, but after the first two I felt better.

   I use a remote control for my car stereo because,,,,, Well,, You know,,,,, Who would EVER want to lean forward a little bit?...

   My GPS sighs and rolls its eyes every time it says "Recalculating".

   Ever notice that after you and some friends order a pizza the only conversation you have is "where the hell is the pizza?"

   It took 100 years for Congress to make the 4th of July an official holiday. (The same amount of time it takes them to do anything now!)

   It's 2012 and bread still has a crust. Flying cars my ass.

   How you can tell if a person is Irish: a fly lands in their pint of beer. They grab the fly and start shaking it over their beer yelling "Spit it out ya bastard, spit it out!"

   I don't know alot about history,,, but I know Marco Polo was definitely the most annoying swimmer of all the famous explorers.

   If you are talking to me and I appear as if I'm attentively listening, I'm probably just silently correcting your grammar in my head.

   When I am sad, I think of you- I then realize that my life is still better then yours.

   There's always that one person who's life you can watch fall apart through facebook statuse$

   Don't ask to use my Phone, and then start going through my photos, contacts, messages and call history, unless you want to meet God before I do.

   How do I politely tell a new guy at work that “I do the jokes around here”?

   If you were walking through the Mall today and saw me sitting in Santa's lap , it isn't what you think .

   Santa I was not naughty, I was merely thinking outside the box!!