Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if at first you don't succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You'll be amazed of much less you care..

   Lucky for you there seems to be no shortage of people willing to settle for less than they deserve.

   Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

   Who's this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?

   Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.

   If I had a dog,, I'd say "I have a bone to pick with you!" And then we'd go to PetSmart to pick a bone,, And we'd laugh & laugh & laugh,,,,,

   My safe word is: You're doing it wrong, you idiot

   Definition of pointless: Jobless people on Facebook updating their status to 'thank God it's the weekend'

   a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school's pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water..... Is that wrong?

   I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot

   I wanna find a girl who loves me for my money, but doesnt understand math.

   Saw these ducks in the park today looking at their reflection in the water practicing their teenage slut face.

   What if random erections are actually ninja handjobs?

   Do you know that feeling when you have a lot of work to do and you don't know where to start? That's why I'm on Facebook.

   If a transvesite goes missing, would youu put their face on a carton of Half and Half?

   Do you remember that time we were on the school bus and you had your head out the window and I had my a$$ out the window and everyone thought we were twins?

   3 girls step on a magic rug that makes you dissapear if you tell a lie. Brunette: I think I'm the prettiest girl in school *poof* Red-head: I think I'm the most popular girl in school *poof* Blonde: I think- *poof*

   My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung open the door and asked "tell me honestly, do I look fat in this?". I replied "yes love, but to be fair, its a small bathroom"

   Why is it that we attacked Iraq for supposedly having weapons of mass destruction (which they didn't) meanwhile North Korea is bragging they have nukes and are threatening us with them and we just twiddle our thumbs!

   Everybody's got their own aIcohol they won't ever touch again because of an awful teenage experience