Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Earthquakes, The number 1 cause of all Facebook updates.

   You know you're fat when you run out of breath eating.

   Being friends means you can pick on each other and joke around. If you take offense then get off my wall!!

   Posting a pic of how bad the roads are while you're driving sort of makes the situation worse don't ya think?

   I walked into a party last night and someone yelled, "dibbs!"

   you know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music

   makeup can make you look pretty on the outside, but it doesn't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup.

   There is no good way to tell your spouse you want to go on "Wife Swap".

   Fashion tip of the day: If your thighs stop moving 30 seconds after you do, say NO to spandex.

   Sometimes those people you think are acting dumb are in fact not acting at all.

   Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.

   I wonder if Toyota sent BP a Thank You note

   I tried saying no to vodka, but it was 40% stronger than me.

   Pain is nature's way of saying "Don't do that." - Painkillers are mankind's way of saying "F*ck it ... go ahead"

   Wonders why are there so many whales on shark week this year. Opppss, never mind. I was watching "The View"

   Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.

   When I die, I want to be buried with a ring of toasters surrounding me. That way, when Archaeologists dig me up in 1,000 years they'll say "Ohh she must have been important!"

   I spent 3 hours watching Big Brother tonight, thinking all that lazy woman has done is lay on the sofa eating crisps and drinking fizzy.Then I realised the TV wasn't even on...it was just the reflection off the screen.

   If you're going to walk a mile in my shoes, can you pick me up some booze on your way back?

   We may lag behind the Chinese in math and science, but we are absolutely kicking their butts in the tattooed homewreckers category.