Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In California, you can get a medical marijuana prescription for anxiety, insomnia, or wanting your Lean Cuisine to taste like real food.

   If smart phones were so smart they'd figure out a way to last longer than four hours.

   #ThatMomentOfHappiness when you see your ex and they're doing worse without you in their life

   We've been duped. After all the books I've read, I can't believe it took me this long to realize they are all written with just 26 letters rearranged in different order. What a rip-off.

   There's some consolation in the fact that even though your dreams haven't come true.... neither have your nightmares.

   waiting for MTV to make a sequel to go along with the "16 and Pregnant" series, 32 and a Grandma.

   If I ever get Amnesia, don't waste Thousands of Dollars taking me to a Psychologist. Just show me my Facebook account.

   The best part of the Grammys was Justin Bieber not performing

   A candlelight dinner with long stemmed roses sounds like a deadly combination for my inflatable valentine.

   you know....I'm still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters....

   My doctor told me to stop drinking today...then he told me to stop laughing.

   Sometimes stapling water to a tree is much easier than convincing an idiot.

   No working during drinking hours!!

   The first word I want to teach my kid is "brains." Until he/she learns another word, I'll have the cutest little zombie ever!

   I was the kid that would restart the video game whenever I knew I was going to lose.

   My dr put me on antidepressants with some side effects. Ive never been happier to have diarrhea, nausea, and night sweats!

   You don't have a drinking problem; people without arms have a drinking problem.

   I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone's lawns so freshly mowed.

   Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!

   I broke up with my Gym, we were not working out