Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do sheep get heavy in the rain??

   I can read minds... Youre reading my status right now arent you..

   It's always exciting when the Netflix arrive. I open up the envelope, take them out and say, “Awesome, movies I wanted to watch when I was drunk and lonely three days ago.”

   thinks the bad thing about having kids is that they are ALL morning people.

   I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

   Some people are put off when I greet them with a kiss. Maybe I should use less tongue?

   The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

   thinks you should probably just let your "Honor Roll" student drive, cause you're very obviously an idiot.

   Smiling at the person who know's they have pissed you off can be the highlight of your day. :)

   Rumor has it that Wikileaks was on the verge of disclosing what Willis was talkin' 'bout.

   I'm not saying its cold, but I just saw a saber-toothed squirrel chasing after an acorn.

   Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

   Sometimes I wish I could go back to the days when I was six and my biggest problem was what kind of dress to put on my Barbie's or whether or not I had enough Lego's to build a fort

   Just Unfriended a Facebook Friend on their Birthday… that takes TRUE GRIT!

   I am on hold. My call is important to them.

   I hate when I have a dream about fighting someone and then waking up and being pissed at them for no good reason

   You had me at Rice Krispies Treats

   Facebook blocked at work. 2012 has come much earlier than anticipated.

   People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you could have a key made

   The Skort: skirt in the front, shorts in the back; it's like a mullet for your butt!!