Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   this status update is dedicated to all the status-less people out there, stay strong

   Doing the Moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoe.

   Why give second chances when there are people waiting for their first?

   Saw this guy drowning so I threw him a life saver. His last words were, "what is this.. candy?"

   Had to have "the sex talk" with my 10 yr old. He was a little overwhelmed so I left out the part about golden showers and donkey punches.

   Ladies, there's a BIG difference between make-up and looking like you've been attacked by Crayola.

   you know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg

   My wife says I dont listen to her or something like that.

   This hotel has the worst mini-bar. All the little bottles of booze taste like shampoo.

   When karma comes back to punch you in the face, I wanna be there......just in case it needs help

   Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet & rub up & down. Yep that's how you wash a cup...

   hates having to delete facebook "friends" that I like, even though they don't give a crap about me. I wish there was a facebook jail to put them in for 30 days.

   U know what I hate? Those DAMN "push 2 wash" sinks in public restrooms! UGHHHHhhh what's the purpose?! They only stay on for bout 2.5 seconds IF THAT, then you gotta hold it & wash 1 hand, & switch, and BAMMM you got more germs than you started with!

   Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you've been screwed to get there.

   one million dollars away from being a millionaire

   dear idiot driver, if you piss me off again I'll show you the finger, a few choice words & the horn all in 3 sec . You call it road rage, I call it multitasking

   Given the choice between Parkinsons and Alzheimers, I would prefer Parkinsons. I would rather spill a little beer rather than forget where I put it.

   I JUST SAW MCDONALDS NOW IS SERVING OATMEAL. HMMM THAT'S LIKE GOING TO A PROSTITUTE FOR A KISS......

   I had social networking when I was a kid, too. I think back then it was called "outside."

   A woman was in bed with husband's best friend when phone rang. After hanging up, she turned to her lover and said "That was Jim, but don't worry he won't be home for a while, he's playing cards with you!