Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanks US Postal Service for putting garbage in my mailbox so I can bring it in my home and then take it out to the trashcan later.

   Make her feel like she's the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

   Kim Kardashian has given birth. No news on how big the litter.

   I was thinking of you today! I also threw up in my mouth a little, but it just might be a coincidence!!!

   My body hurts from all the sex I'm not having.

   so passed caring about how I dress any more. I just put on whatever makes me not naked and hope for the best

   I've been Nominted for Facebooks New Award, Most Funny/Best Posts in 2012!.......In other news I lost my job, my wife, car, and all contact with the outside World!!!

   You can take one hell of a beating from an olive branch.

   I'm not certain, exactly, when I became "old". But, I've narrowed it down to sometime between 1988 and last night, when I noticed Song Pop classify "Guns 'n Roses" as "Classic Rock"

   Hey like if you remember pressing the power button turning the tv off and playing outside having a awesome childhood.

   You never really forgive the friend who tricked you into watching "2 Girls 1 Cup".

   You ever notice when your phone decides to call someone its someone you don't want to talk to.!

   Sometimes “I'm single” means “I'm drama free”, “less stressed” and “I refuse to settle for less.”

   In a bizarre turn of events, erectile dysfunction cases are on the rise.

   I believe in evolution by natural selection. But I have one big problem with it. Its not fast enough and there are too many safeguards in place not to let nature do its thing.

   Dear life, is this waking up in the morning thing really necessary?

   If someone tells you their horoscope says they're going to have a good day, it's your duty as a human being to punch them in the throat and prove them wrong.

   Maybe....just maybe if we wait a little longer, a fú¢k fell in my hand, I can give it to you.

   95% of lifes conversations boil down to "If you pretend to care about what I'm saying, I'll pretend to care about what you're saying."

   You can stay, but your clothes must go.