Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Beyonce's twins will never have to work a day in their life. She should name one of them Lay-Z.

   If you think she posts a lot of photos of her pregnancy wait until that kid arrives.

   So did all those kids that had the skate or die t shirts in the 90s die?

   It's funny how some people think they can fool me when I ignore their calls and they call me with a private number 5 minutes later. You really think I am that stupid? I know it's YOU.

   I've yet to see a pair of boots that"weren't" made for walking.

   OK, so there's a news report of a very large satellite hitting the earth tomorrow...but of course, we have no clue where...NOW, In my opinion, it isn't rocket science to just place a SH*TLOAD of magnets in the middle of the desert....right?....JUST SAYING

   "In an unhealthy relationship" should definately be a Facebook option.

   The planet Saturn = 7 rings, Michael Jordan = 6 rings, Kobe Bryant = 5 rings, LeBron James.........Just a Headband.

   You know those people that you have to explain every joke to? Let's kill them.

   "Vodka, Bourbon, Tequila!" - Me calling the shots.

   Fellas: When you go around flash your money, don't get mad when you only attract broke a$$ women who are looking for a handout.

   The older I get, the older old is.

   I love smiling at random people. Some of them smile back. Some of them get really creeped out, but that makes it worth it.

   What makes the Superbowl half time show better than the Grammys? The Superbowl half-time show was only 1/2 hour.

   Just took the 'road less traveled'...found Waldo...

   CNN refuses to broadcast Gathafi's speech; reason being it is copyrighted to the Comedy Channel....

   Loving the new democracy in the Arab world; just wish it wasn't so painful at the pump…

   “Maybe she's born with it. Maybe she's a monster wearing a crap ton of makeup.” -Maybelline

   this year more than any other I am hoping for a wardrobe malfunction on American Idol!!!

   The three words women hate to hear when having sex: "Honey, I'm home!"