Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   girl, your pants are so tight, I could read your lips!

   The Hero who shot the Texas church shooter was a NRA Certified Instructor armed with an AR15.

   How come people that should never be allowed to reproduce have the most kids?

   V@gina jokes are not funny at all. Period.

   What an alleged ‘drug dealer' said to the Judge, “Weed is not a drug, it's a plant. Therefore, I am not a dealer, I'm a Florist.”

   Monica Lewinsky turns 39!! They grow up so fast...seems like yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees puting everything in her mouth!!!

   When I get a prescription for drugs, I don't ask, 'Will it work? Are there any side effects?' No, it's 'Can I drink with these?'

   I never thought Charles Manson would be having a better week than Bill Cosby.

   On a dark desert highway,,, cool whip in my hair...

   Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

   I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so" I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!"

   Live,Laugh, Love if that doesn't work- Raise, Aim and Fire..

   Why all the smack talk? It was a great game on both sides, but say that Canada owned USA is incorrect. USA won the first game and Canada had to OT to win the gold. No ownage, just great play when it mattered. Congrats to Canada, be proud not typical.

   Time magazine named "protestors" as people of the year. Here's an idea for the Ass bags at Time. If you want to honor a group of people, how about the members of Seal Team Six!!!!!

   NEWS FLASH: Scientists still baffled by Canadians' ability to watch movies, own guns, and play video games,,, but not shoot each other.

   A girl wearing a pink jersey is not a fan of football. She's just trying to bang someone who is.

   Skilled workers are hard to find. That's why idiots are promoted to management.

   Ice. Bank. Mice. Elf. Say it out loud.

   Grab your balls..... We're going bowling!

   wonders if there is a manly way to eat a banana??