Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and actually, out popped a blanket.

   Life's not a b!tch, life's a beautiful woman. You just call her a b!tch cause she wont let you get what you want,

   I have a new doctor. He wanted to check my prostate and I told him that I don't do that on the first appointment.

   Remember, over half of all cases of people wrecking themselves happen within five minutes of not checking themselves.

   Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, so I uploaded my debt and my kids.

   There are 2 kinds of people in this world: those that recognize how diverse people are, and those that think there are only 2 kinds of people

   Please don't bore your friends with your troubles and worries. Tell your enemies instead, who will be delighted to hear about them.

   Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.

   79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless

   I wish I had a friend like me

   I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!

   the difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer

   I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!

   Have you noticed that it's only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......

   "Google before you post" is the new "think before you speak".

   I bet I could win a gold medal for 'least amount of Olympics watched.' But I'll never know if I do.

   When I get to heaven I hope I don't hear the words, "Just a formality before we let you in, gonna take a look at your Facebook timeline."

   Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?

   Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."

   If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you're on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.