Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We should start seeing Valentine's Day crap in the stores any minute now.

   A new study has found that watching Fox News can make you more conservative and watching MSNBC can make you more liberal. And watching CNN can make you think that no plane has ever safely reached its destination.

   once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever cared about you all along

   If I don't clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

   Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"

   I've been waiting for this moment ever since I got up... goodnight!

   "You will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory" - Spongebob

   On Sunday nights, if you listen closely,,, you can hear Monday taunting you with the "Jaws" theme.

   Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make! Then they call me ugly and poor.

   I'm going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn't enough

   How to scare burglars off. First, put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger. Second, put a cat litter box in your hall and sh$t in it.

   My brother took being sent to prison really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we vowed never to play Monopoly again at Christmas...

   Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

   Don't let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.

   There are few guarantees in life but if you see a grown man riding a bmx, he knows where to score some meth

   Never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn't hate.

   I hope Adele and Eminem never date, can you imagine what their breakup albums would be like!

   Bought one of those tennis racket looking bug zappers today. My god, where have you been all my life. What fun! Oooh, here comes the dog....

   I could probably beat Usain Bolt if we were both trying to get the last ice cream sandwich.

   Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they're dead.