Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stupid Question: When people see you lying down with your eyes closed they still ask: "Are you sleeping?" Smartass Answer - "No, I'm training to die!"

   A second chance doesn't mean anything if you haven't learned from your first mistake.

   That awkward moment when a stranger asks to borrow your cell to make a quick call. No good reason to say NO, but in your head you're thinking of every excuse in the book. "Sorry, I work for the FBI and cant allow any unauthorized person to use my phone."

   Ok, so they have GPS that can navigate you all the way across the country...why can't someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?

   It's not my fault that my phone is more interesting than you.

   I got kicked out of the Casino for misunderstanding the use of a crap table

   A relationship without trust and commitment is like pushing a door that says PULL. It just won't work

   But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.

   I didn't change, My standards did.

   It's annoying how people on facebook, post sad youtube videos or lyrics because they aren't over their ex. I've always wanted to say this to you. your ex doesn't give a crap, Your depressing post piss me off to no end, and I don't think he/she loves you.

   Hey people who abbreviate "text" to "txt," hly fck, ur lzy!

   Me and my missus got ready to cuddle up and watch our home made porno. I got up and pressed play, but unfortunately It was finished before I sat back down.

   Don't blame me for your lack of self-esteem... That's why it's called SELF-esteem.

   Putting a loud muffler on your car is like putting a rolled up sock in your pants; You're trying to make something seem bigger than it really is.

   just read where Monica Lewinsky turned 37 yesterday, how time flies, seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the Whitehouse on her knees........

   I think these news stations are missing the boat with these marathon storm tracking sessions. They need to sell advertising! "This Tornado warning is brought to you by Glad Trash Bags. Glad...when you have to clean debris the next morning, don't get mad..

   Some times I like to take my kids down to the car lot and show them the nice Aston Martin V12 Vantage I'd be driving if they had never been born.

   Nothing worse then the awkward stance when you're being sung happy birthday to.

   Remembers the dude that answered his door in sweats and a motley crue tshirt who forgot it was Halloween? He rumages through his cupboards and out of guilt gives you 10 pop tarts and a tube of pringles...........Halloween Jackpot.........

   lesson of the day ; never sneeze while you pee